episode 13: wow thirteen always has bad news huh

im single... after months of arguing, weeks of trying to change , days of being the furthest from her when im right next to her,hours of crying, and moments in love.. it is over.. she's free to find herself without my needy clingy ass involved.. i tried to play the background but that wasnt enough.. so im gonna dip out of her life and let the next one have their shot.
she asked me the usual what if questions, and im open to taking her back.. but i know thats not going to happen, i know that a girl like that is never going to happen so frankly im round about done with women... these girls these days have lives, they dont want relationships, just a little action and something that resembles loyalty.. noone wants the real thing anymore its pointless.

sugabear, if youre reading this.. find yourself, find yourself and smile because you cant help but smile. feel joy again, feel something again. and finally...
dont cry because its over
smile because it happened.

episode 12

i had so much to write for this blog, what with the shows and working on salinas project and still trying to keep serena by my side throught it all. but all i can think about is how much i miss my sugabear. come back to me sugabear.

episode 11: Fail ( a note to myself from myself)

So that blog I posted yesterday... totally backfired on me. it probably means curtains for my relationship with Her. Its a damn shame really. I always get lucky.. like ridiculously lucky, and i manage to mismanage it. so here i am again 2 weeks to the day saying to myself at 3am in the morning, i cant lose her, not like this not like this. the quick and dirty solution would be to just shut my mouth and not say a word to her about anything other than what pretains to her. but shutting her out of my life isnt the way. for pete's sake i didnt mean to give you the idea that i want another girl. i want you and she helped me to see that. but alas the girl that im with now is intent on releasing me , setting me free, and leaving the door open for me to walk out like the jerk that i am.
and in truth she's the one who wants her freedom and rightfully so. today was a huge mistake a huge huge mistake and if i can make it out of this one alive then i swear i'll never talk to another female outside of my family and the woman im dating... thats not the right way to go because this whole argument started up because i was being anti social around women. sheesh i cant win. No i can win. I will win , because i dont lose.

so heres the plan of action ladies and gents,

step 1: hear her out

*if she leaves me then proceed to step 6

step 2: leave her to her work and her friends.. assuming she accepted me back into her life, she's going to need time to heal and besides things in her life are getting busy.

Step 3: leave weekends open , sure she may not want to hang out with me but in order to make any kind of change a comprimise must be agreed, because she says she wants to spend time with me, but her schedule says otherwise.

step 4: buy 1 dozen gerber dasies and this time include instructions on how to keep them alive

step 5: get her something big for christmas ... by this time her birthday is already in the books... and she's a grown woman.. the kid shit and septa aint gonna work, hit up a few bars, take in a show or two, display some class and style, all the things you did to get her in the first place.

STOP HERE>>>>

step 6: if you get to this step then im sorry, you failed and she left you for something more . at this point youve given up the backup girls a long time ago and you dont have any real friends to depend on. even though the source of all your strength has fled , carry on as usual... get the job, get the apartment, get the certification and maybe even a degree. be civil with her, but dont fool yourself into thinking she'll take you back because isnt that how you ruined the last 2 relationships worried about some girl who obviously dropped your scrawny ass by the waysi... but lets not reminisce lets move forward


i dont like step 6 and i know you dont moses... so for all that is pure and right in this world , i hope and pray that she forgives you, and you take a hard look at yourself... youve already anylyzed the other options. the other girls, the wild single life, you sat and thought long and hard about that and its not for you. be sure in your convictions and you will find solace. and above all, respect her and her decision.
because you love Serena, you do , that is Certain.

episode 11 beta: for gods sake woman lets just cuddle and eat ice cream

well i found a blog that i didn't post and i published it... it was honest and i had to get that shit off of my chest but as usual with me being honest... It backfired... offense was taken and well its safe to say that i was in this same position 2 weeks ago. damn and i was doing so good too . I cant lose her.. not like this. if I have to i wont talk to another female outside of my mother and my co-workers. not her friends not mine... because all my friends well the girls at least, are girls that i would definetly be with... with me there is no true "platonic" sense. I select my female friends based on what i would want in a mate, and as for the other ladies.. i just know them, sure they may be beautiful, intelligent, and all the sort, but they arent the girl that i would date so they dont get that attention.. thats what this is all about.. attention, I called one girl by an ornate name and the other by a mere title .. otherwise none of this would have happened and Id be eating Ice cream and bringing donuts to her tonite. you know what , fuck it... Im still going to bring her ice cream and donuts because i know she's having a tough time.

im trippin yo... im trippin hard.. maybe i should just leave her alone till her birthday.. give her time to breathe. .. yeah i'll do that, I'll give her time to breathe... i just want to hear her heart beat.

Episode 10: the will to love

So im in school at the audio institute, and im trying to get a job , tryin my ass off to get a job! im djing regularly at Tailgators in fishtown and I really think that serena and I have a chance at making it happen.. oddly enough thats all because of a black butterfly. see i met this girl and she completely blew me away. thing is ( thankfully) she managed to keep her head on straight. we did nothing and she reminded me that yes i have a girlfriend and that i love her... its strange.. that makes me sound like a dirty unfaithful cheat but really im above that behavior. the mrs and i have been on the rocks for a while and I guess in finding a friend i found an out but she ( the butterfly) is too good for me to just hop to. that girl .. no that woman deserves so much more. so im going to make an effort with serena and if it dosent work out then instead of just hopping to the next peice , Im going to chill and build. so it stands like this .

thanks for everything gorgeous, and as much as i want you , need you , crave you...
I already have all that I'll ever need and want. i just have to put effort into it. Willpower i guess is what i lack