episode 16: my friends over you

So I think that it's funny. this is the first Christmas that I've spent alone since I've started dating. and i think that all my friends and even my younger brother are friends with sugabear and the butterfly ( yeah, i managed to piss her off too.. i'll rant about that in episode 17) and im not. I see why... its nothing against them its just that i dont take rejection as well from certain people. in sugabears case, Yeah I walked out on her but it was just like when i walked out on nancy. i left before they could leave me. Its not like i left her for someone .. okay its not like i left suga for the butterfly, but damn it did seem that way for a while... grimy huh? it gets worse. it seems that everywhere I turn , Her face is there and yeah.. i got rid of most of her pictures and a lot of the videos of our outings. I sold or burned anything i had that reminded me of her ( that i could bear to part with of course) . on to the next girl.. no not the knight, the soothesayer. she was Magic to me, my counsel, my rock, my stability in an increasingly unstable world. the black butterfly became the phoenix that gave me courage to rise from the darkness of my own surroundings only to shun me back to it. or rather I shunned her. she mentions one little hiccup, one little sign of stress and as usual i take it way to far in fear of my own heart and i told her to kick rocks. bad idea. Even though nothing really went on between us, i was so deeply connected to her that from the moment she cut me off i felt it. i felt the very air that i breathe thin out into nothingness. So i see the princess everywhere, i no longer have the soothesayer to comfort me, i cant fuck this up with the knight... Im so afraid that i will. Here i stumble, a king without a crown. without a kingdom.
so really.. what is there to fight for
I know i deserve some sort of punishment for my aloof ways, but really , my only crime is sheer luck. I was lucky that after every Devastating break-up, i managed to find someone else to fill that void. for nancy who i wrongly accused of infidelity ( my crime of choice) i found liz, for liz who outgrew my childish insecurity, i stumbled upon sharon, for sharon whom i feared being without, God gave me another chance in sere.... yeah... Her....i dont think i can do better than Serena. Im pretty sure that Katrina and i werent meant to be, and regardless of whatever blocks i put in my way and whatever she did to stop my advances... i was bound to screw that up. what does that say about this next girl. why am i on this path? Im consitently dealing with oh i'll put that on blast in episode 17