Monday, July 13, 2009

episode 28: ive been to mushroom mountain, once or twice..

im thinking and I seriously need to not only re-evaluate my behavior ( because ive been acting erratic like im under the influence) .

I have my own set of problems and I do need an escape, badly. i could drop it all but i tried that several times and hence i am where I am today. constantly running away from and dodging my problems with sllick words and uncharacteristically cool mannerisms that are pretty much transparent. I'ts like im on drugs and my drug of choice isnt cocaine, it isnt meth, it isnt heroin, nor weed nor alcohol, my drug of choice is EGO. I started to fill my lack of accomplishments, or at least my lack of socially relevant accomplishments, then i moved on to more and more to substitute for confidence and strength. i chased the bittersweet potion with vivid imagination wich was really just a colorful way of saying Delusion. combine that with the ever present american dream of superiority and relevance and here you have a habitual Liar, caught between his need to be honest and real and his false definition of reality. I tried to mask it by saying " I killed Moses Jiggetts and only Moses Malloy stands" but really, Moses is Moses. and everybody else knew it but me. im so high on myself that detox is not an option, rehab is impossible and suicide.. heh im already dead to half of you , you just dont know how to word it because we are all so "grown" but alas we are but youth . I can ask for help, im perfectly capable of it but i always end up hinting at it and then denying it when I need it the most out of pride and fear. meeting that addict a few moments ago flipped a switch. I've been a sheep, a masochist sheep. creepy, addicted, conflicted

and worst of all. aware.

this note dosent have an instantly gratifying happy ending... at least not in the real world.
and the real world is where I tried to save all of you but not myself

self imposed martyrdom is but an excuse for the arrogant weak sheep I have become. and when the man in the mirror no longer sees his true face, there is only one truth.
He's addicted.
I gotta get clean.

2 comments:

RobConway said...

we're never too grown to improve ourselves! i'm in a constant battle to make myself greater, and acknowledging it is a good step forward.

what's up with no follow button?

Jeanette said...

I think getting away from this perception of yourself is gonna take some evaluating of what you really wanna do and who you really wanna be perceived as and who you really are. It's easy t do when you don't have much to do, or many friends. But sometimes, when you have lot's to do, with people that are "somebody" you lose yourself with the little bit of celebrity that is in front of your eyes, which in reality {this thing called celebrity} is also deceit.
Take time to yourself, write, read,act, dance, sing do the things that YOU like to do with no apology or anything else (not saying you're apologetic). Take pride in who you really are and not in what people want you to be, or who you think you want to be.
Then you will begin getting "clean"
That's what I've been doing lately. And I feel great.
Much Love :)
JB