episode 28: ive been to mushroom mountain, once or twice..

im thinking and I seriously need to not only re-evaluate my behavior ( because ive been acting erratic like im under the influence) .

I have my own set of problems and I do need an escape, badly. i could drop it all but i tried that several times and hence i am where I am today. constantly running away from and dodging my problems with sllick words and uncharacteristically cool mannerisms that are pretty much transparent. I'ts like im on drugs and my drug of choice isnt cocaine, it isnt meth, it isnt heroin, nor weed nor alcohol, my drug of choice is EGO. I started to fill my lack of accomplishments, or at least my lack of socially relevant accomplishments, then i moved on to more and more to substitute for confidence and strength. i chased the bittersweet potion with vivid imagination wich was really just a colorful way of saying Delusion. combine that with the ever present american dream of superiority and relevance and here you have a habitual Liar, caught between his need to be honest and real and his false definition of reality. I tried to mask it by saying " I killed Moses Jiggetts and only Moses Malloy stands" but really, Moses is Moses. and everybody else knew it but me. im so high on myself that detox is not an option, rehab is impossible and suicide.. heh im already dead to half of you , you just dont know how to word it because we are all so "grown" but alas we are but youth . I can ask for help, im perfectly capable of it but i always end up hinting at it and then denying it when I need it the most out of pride and fear. meeting that addict a few moments ago flipped a switch. I've been a sheep, a masochist sheep. creepy, addicted, conflicted

and worst of all. aware.

this note dosent have an instantly gratifying happy ending... at least not in the real world.
and the real world is where I tried to save all of you but not myself

self imposed martyrdom is but an excuse for the arrogant weak sheep I have become. and when the man in the mirror no longer sees his true face, there is only one truth.
He's addicted.
I gotta get clean.