episode 28: ive been to mushroom mountain, once or twice..

im thinking and I seriously need to not only re-evaluate my behavior ( because ive been acting erratic like im under the influence) .

I have my own set of problems and I do need an escape, badly. i could drop it all but i tried that several times and hence i am where I am today. constantly running away from and dodging my problems with sllick words and uncharacteristically cool mannerisms that are pretty much transparent. I'ts like im on drugs and my drug of choice isnt cocaine, it isnt meth, it isnt heroin, nor weed nor alcohol, my drug of choice is EGO. I started to fill my lack of accomplishments, or at least my lack of socially relevant accomplishments, then i moved on to more and more to substitute for confidence and strength. i chased the bittersweet potion with vivid imagination wich was really just a colorful way of saying Delusion. combine that with the ever present american dream of superiority and relevance and here you have a habitual Liar, caught between his need to be honest and real and his false definition of reality. I tried to mask it by saying " I killed Moses Jiggetts and only Moses Malloy stands" but really, Moses is Moses. and everybody else knew it but me. im so high on myself that detox is not an option, rehab is impossible and suicide.. heh im already dead to half of you , you just dont know how to word it because we are all so "grown" but alas we are but youth . I can ask for help, im perfectly capable of it but i always end up hinting at it and then denying it when I need it the most out of pride and fear. meeting that addict a few moments ago flipped a switch. I've been a sheep, a masochist sheep. creepy, addicted, conflicted

and worst of all. aware.

this note dosent have an instantly gratifying happy ending... at least not in the real world.
and the real world is where I tried to save all of you but not myself

self imposed martyrdom is but an excuse for the arrogant weak sheep I have become. and when the man in the mirror no longer sees his true face, there is only one truth.
He's addicted.
I gotta get clean.

Episode 27: Cold beverages

a lot has happened since my last post. Micheal Jackson died, I got sick again, I swore off of superdope and off of one night stands becoming recurring morning fucks.

in detail, aside from the mike dying .

Superdope as some of you may know is a party that a close family member ( and my former DJ) throws. initially i was the host alongside another ally Fame. well long story short it ended up that though i was dedicated hosting and promoting with no mic at the time , known at the party and all that jazz, my role got wrapped up and handed to tuphace, another local rapper with a longer resume( and a former neighbor of mine, small hood) I got pushed back to mere freestyles and bullshit. I tried to enjoy it but theres so much else i could be doing other than watch a billion other cats get shoutouts and spotlighted while i chill and watch sports center cuz the drinks cost too much. ive decided to not go unless something of interest is happening or I have a date. other than that its boring. but best of luck to the new superdope crew.

*radio edit*

i really need to exhibit some self control in my life and all these people, these friends gone hollywood, these "grown" "young" women looking for a quick rush to complain about later

oh god, I... I...I'm becoming fake. the man in the mirror and i need to talk, cuz I feel like a stranger in moscow.


i need a cold one .

Everyone makes peace with their demons

but Who can truly face their angels

I Had a conversation with her today... a long one, a late one. We busted it up like we used to and she even fell asleep on the phone with me like she used to. for a while there, i dont know if i was losing sanity or simply reminiscing. oh well its over. back to reality, back to the 9 to 5 to 9 to 5

courage. I needed it
i have it
it shows

lets keep moving forward into the horizon.

episode 25: " you will live in happiness too... like the oompa loompa Doopadee doo!"

So yeah.
i was asked not to contact someone
i honored that request ( like a little bitch i might add)
but as usual.. curiosity kills the cat and yeah...I really should watch what I say and for that matter to whom i say it to. I mean look at it like this, being my usual free wheelin self has lost me some Really good people because i Fail to see that confidentiality rarely ever goes both ways especially if youre the new guy . Call it a life lesson but ive had Several things come back to me on some he said she said ish.. and yeah.. I said I know i said though i may not remember in detail wich then gets thrown into the pile of me talkin wrecklessly when infact it could have been as small as me agreeing with something that i saw that somebody else brought up. since when does the hypeman get the credit for the diss yo... its cool though Ive learned some of my lesson. and I admit it'll take some time ( as if the 10 years before me ) to digest . this would be the point where i say if i could take it all back I would but ... nah because the other people involved would still be the same.
other people.. I put way too much on them. and it hurts me when they hurt themselves or other people or worse me.

and who am i to try and right some other persons wrongs... why was it that when one of my musical aquaintences SCREWED OVER one of his most loyal and helpful friends , I was quick to jump in and try to save the world... Not one of those people would have done that for me they woulda both let me take my lumps like a grown up and then hit me with an "i told ya so" .

I cant play the hero anymore because im increasingly becoming an annoyance or worse.. a villain
it sucks that i gotta step outta my fantasy world in order to grasp reality for what it is because i built this world that i live in to cope with the real world. but it's a change that i welcome with open arms , clean ears, and a bulletproof vest on.

point blank If i ever spoke out of pocket concerning you... and yeah.. im talkin to you ...im sorry, it might not mean much to you but im sorry and hopefully we can at least shake hands on that note.

and ...to that red-headed goddess somewhere north of here, its not the lies that caught up to me, its not this "passive -aggressive" standpoint that im charged with, but my own childish behavior that i've had trouble shaking. well I think i got a somewhat grip on it but too late to still get a minute of your time.

I'll be happier next episode... I just had to get this off my chest in order to breathe right

episode 26:Title.. what title

So Ive got a show on the day before my birthday. thought it would be the blowout of the year but nah.. its a short like 10 minute short jawn so im thinkin maybe a cover song will do.

episode 24: 400 dollars in the hole and i didnt even get a hooker.

so i got burnt for a sampler over EBAY. fucking texas jerkoffs.
and i lost out on not one but 3( count em) 3 gigs this weekend

gig one:
I run into the arcade( big mistake) and tony corners me, says his DJ cant make it till 2 and he needs someone to cover for his Party that he's holding at a reputable location. now i shoulda called bullshit right there and in any other case i would have, but this was an associate, a friend. Everybody knew the party was bogus but me. and in hindsight i shoulda got my dough upfront, but my policy is friends in need i dont ask for cash up front unless im missing out on another paying opportunity. long story short. 10 pm rolls around and tony is nowhere to be found. either he skated out or found another dj and just didnt call me to say so.

gig 2: the bar called, no gig tonite... i honestly dont think they like me very much and for the price im getting paid there... not really worth it but theyre good people i guess. I'm gonna keep an ear out for other gigs. maybe start working with Dj no-chaser Fulltime.

gig 3: speaking if No chaser, his big gig that was supposed to be my recurring money maker fell right on thru hard on its ass, so i spun at Phsh's place

but as usual it was a short spin, just a set up , i got off , it was good. came home high and now im here, 400 in the hole. sheeyat.

Drop that chick, now roll with it

yep.. got rid of her, oh well. send in the next jawn or bring back the ex jawn. I'd like another go at serena but nah.. lets keep it moving forward, i cant stop now, even if i dont know what im doing.